Gaslighting is a method of psychological violence in the family, when one of the partners is devalued. This effect is achieved for the possibility of manipulation, reducing the self-esteem of the victim.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse when one person manipulates another, trying to confuse and distort information. As a result, a feeling appears in a person who has succumbed to such an impact, in its adequacy, objectivity of its own memories. This is often used by men to establish control. An example would be cheating, when one of the partners convinces the other that in fact there is nothing. In relationships where gaslighting is practiced, you can hear: "It was a joke", "Relax." The partner develops a persistent sense of guilt for overreacting or overreacting.
Why do men gaslight?
The purpose of such violence is to change the perception of the current situation, to make him doubt what is happening. The forms of this behavior are different. For example, denial of facts, devaluation of emotions, a message to an inadequate perception of what is happening. Dealing with this attitude is more difficult because, unlike physical abuse and direct threats, it is difficult to prove it.
Over time, the victim adapts to the abuser, may not even realize that help is needed. She tries to please the other side, forgetting about herself, about her own comfort. An important point - if a person really sees the situation differently, begins to convince in his version - this is a dialogue. Gaslighting begins when it comes to deliberately cheating or distorting the reaction. With such actions, feelings are devalued.
Previously, such psychological violence was used in special services to demoralize a person, to exert psychological pressure on him. Sometimes they change furniture pieces at home, send strangers. All this contributes to the creation of a feeling of insecurity and insecurity in the other side. Sometimes it becomes the cause of suicide.
The victim in such a relationship always goes through several main stages:
- Negation. One gets the impression that nothing serious has happened, the usual misunderstanding has arisen.
- Doubt. A person begins to doubt himself, the adequacy of his perception, tries to prove his point of view.
- Adoption. After prolonged exposure, the victim begins to trust the man who provoked the situation, ceases to correctly assess the current situation.
At the last stage, depression, anxiety disorders, and a decrease in self-esteem may occur.
Basic techniques
Gaslighters tell lies with a deadpan air. They do this specifically to create a precedent. The main goal in this case is to create doubt. They deny that they talked about any fact despite the presence of irrefutable evidence to make the victim doubt the reality of what is happening. The person begins to think that the conversation is a figment of the imagination.
Gaslighters:
- They like to touch sore spots, for example, men often tell a woman in such situations that they should not have children.
- Often, manipulations continue for a long time. First one lie appears, then another. All this is complemented by caustic remarks. As the attack gradually gains momentum, anyone can fall into the trap.
- Words cease to coincide with actions. If a woman is feeling psychological pressure, it is important to observe the actions, not the words.
Another sign is the sudden appearance of praise. First, the man underestimates the merits, and then begins to praise. The woman gets the feeling that things are not so bad. In fact, this is a specially created situation aimed at destabilizing the state. As a result, the person again abandons the situation of doubt.
In almost all cases, the manipulator tries to make the person weaker. The situation is aggravated when there is an attempt to turn the people around them against the partner. All of these techniques cause the affected person to experience anxiety and anxiety. He begins to live in anticipation of new attacks. The victim may have doubts about his worth.
The dynamics in such a relationship is always the same - the gaslighter attacks and the victim defends. The manipulator rarely talks about his weaknesses or shortcomings, even with a little criticism, he distracts attention from himself, launches a new circle of accusations, false claims.
What to do?
If you want to get out of the situation, you need to be ready to completely get out of this relationship. This is the only way to change the balance of power. In a family setting, this is very difficult to do, since a woman often experiences a whole range of feelings, among which there may be love. The only option is to change the relationship. But this must be done in two ways. If the gaslighter does not want to change, everything will remain the same.
Another way out of the situation is to contact a domestic violence support group or a psychotherapist. You should not give up friendly support in such a situation. The worst thing a woman can do is start feeling sorry for herself. If the manipulator refers to your poor memory when attacking, write down especially important moments in a notebook or on a voice recorder. Do not see yourself for provocations. When the conversation gets in the wrong direction, stop it right away.
