How to avoid quarrels, learn to work with your relationship, invest for real and come to an understanding with your partner? A large number of families are already accustomed to living in constant problems, clarifications and "grinding". You can always influence the situation, the main thing is to really want and work on it.
John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, in his recent book 7 Principles for a Happy Marriage? or Emotional Intelligence in Love”highlights the main points that people in a relationship and those who are just planning to tie the knot should strive for.
Just imagine that all your life you have to figure out problems, swear, endure boycotts. Someone thinks that this is "a matter of everyday life", but no, this is not a normal situation: you can always strive for understanding, work on relationships. Only desire should come from both sides.
Why do some couples live "in perfect harmony", while others can not hold out in a relationship for five years?
Principle 1:
Genuine interest in the life of the chosen one
- At the beginning of a relationship, it is normal to be interested in a partner, to get to know him, to identify what he likes, where you can converge: common interests and aspirations. But over the years, it often happens that partners become less and less interested in each other. This can be influenced by the problems that have fallen down, and simply: "And I already know everything about her, why should I climb again?" Subsequently, and if one is interested, and the other calms down, then it may be that the first one will begin to suffer from a lack of love and attention and even begin to think about leaving.
- The same applies to children: Accompanying children on their way of growing up, help, interest - what holds the bond together for the rest of their lives.
- Gottman also gives advice - on which you need to apply little things that are important or pleasant for a partner. Get to know your soul mate and its values, funny little things, because throughout life they change, new ones are added. This practice will bring partners closer together.
Principle 2
Attention to detail or shared hobbies
- Music, dances, lessons on creating clay dishes are a hobby, a pastime that can brighten up the evening, add new colors, get to know your partner from an unusual side. But it is not necessary to go to a ballet or singing club 3 times a week, it will be enough
- Does your partner like sweets? “And I’ll bring him a chocolate bar today, which he so wanted to buy in the store yesterday, but changed his mind.” "He's so tired at work lately, so many deadlines … And I'll make him his favorite tea with mint and offer him to take a bath in the evening." All these little things on both sides fill the relationship, cementing them.
Principle 3
Tenderness
- Not on holidays, not only for the fact that the wife has prepared dinner, pat her on the back. It's just that, for no reason, you need to lay the foundation of a relationship with respect with tenderness, sincere compliments, small gifts. Why did the choice fall on this particular person? Tell him about this, about the positive qualities.
- just like women, they just often don't tell us about it.
Principle 4
There should be no main and subordinate in a relationship
- It often happens that 1 person takes the leading role in the family and believes that you can give orders to your partner, and if he does not follow them, he will have to correct himself. No - both are equal.
- You need to listen to your chosen one, if this does not affect your own boundaries.
- , for men this is also very important, tk. many are accustomed to keeping everything to themselves. Closure will not lead to anything good.
- Are you about to make an important decision? Check with your partner, hear his opinion. Do not feel the emotions of a person, but you understand that something is wrong - ask.
Principle 5
Discussing problems correctly
- There are always drawbacks, everywhere, they cannot be avoided, but they can be ironed out. Gottman researched a method that predicts the future of marriage. Any dispute leads to a solution to the problem or separation. In any dispute, there are signs foreshadowing a breakup. It is worth pause and calm down. … Personal insults as the worst sign. You need to express your attitude to the problem, not to the individual. In a relationship, 2 people go together against the problem, not against each other.
- The third and fourth signs are. The wall is usually chosen by men to get away from the conflict, but it is this wall that can do more harm to the relationship, as opposed to loud screams.
- You need to speak, even loudly, but find out your problems, hear not only yourself, but also put yourself in the shoes of your partner. Explain your emotions.
6 and 7 principles
Accepting differences between partners
- Yes, 2 identical people will never meet. It's okay, but you have to admit it. If there are more pluses in a person, if the minuses do not strain to the point of screaming in the shower, then everything is fine. Marriage should help meet the needs of both people, not hinder them.
- If you feel that you are doing everything "one gate", trying, exhausting yourself, and the other person only accepts and still manages to manipulate - analyze, and what kind of life will you live like this? And is this correct for relationships and subjective inner state?
- Suffering and struggling are not the norm.
Remember that everything should be mutually and sincere, with respect - only then can we talk about strong, interested relationships with a good foundation.
