Unfortunately, such a phenomenon as dislike for one's own child is not uncommon. What are the reasons for this? Maybe the child was born, but the maternal instinct did not turn on, or the child was born of the wrong gender, which one would like … It does not matter. Perhaps my mother will never fall in love and we must learn to live with this sadness.
Children perceive everything differently. Somewhere easier, somewhere more painful. Mom's dislike - the closest and dearest person - can be felt by the skin, when mom screams and punishes for no reason, when you hear so many rude offensive words from mom's lips, when you are a daughter, and mom is always more affectionate with her brother, and you always have higher demand …
The child feels everything. And even if you do not openly tell him: “I don’t love you!”, The child knows, although he does not understand. The child reaches out to his mother, comes up and hugs. Mom is always cold, does not say affectionate words, does not hug, never praises.
A person grows, matures, understands more and more, sometimes in the conversations of adults and something like "… gave birth to a daughter, but I wanted a son, and it was a pity to refuse, what would people say?" or "I gave birth to her so hard that I could not love." And now a man is 20, 30, 40 years old. And the relationship is more and more difficult, it is more and more difficult to find a common language with my mother, and it is no longer easy for her to hide her irritation.
Refuse to communicate? Move farther and cut all ties? Not an option. Mom, even if she is not loving, still remains a mother. And in such a situation, it is probably not easy for her either. After all, she does not feel tender feelings for her child, and she has not learned to love, like everyone else. And, of course, she blames herself for it. But my mother is not a cuckoo, she didn’t give up, she didn’t refuse, brought up how it turned out, tried to give everything she could. Suppose she was often unfair, and the rest of the time she ignored.
Let's ? The most important and most difficult thing to do is to forgive mom for her missing feelings. And let your mind understand that my mother did not refuse, apparently, only because she was afraid of the condemnation of her act by others. And let the certainty sit somewhere inside that if the parents already had a child of the very desired gender, you would hardly be given a chance to live. However, they gave a chance and did not leave them in the hospital. And they brought up. And they took care. So the next thing to do is to thank mom for her life and home, for her efforts and for her care.
… It is also not easy to do. All his life, receiving less affection and love, a person, as a rule, does not treat himself very well. We must try to overcome this barrier. The following training is very suitable for this.
At the moment when you are alone and no one can interfere. We turn off the phone. You can turn on quiet calm music as a background. We make ourselves comfortable, close our eyes. And imagine ourselves as a child. Not to remember yourself, namely to mentally become a child, to return to this state of mind. And love yourself as a child with all your heart, with all your soul. Call yourself the most affectionate words, look into your eyes, smile. Envelop this child with all the love that is now so lacking. Hug yourself, a child, shake in your arms. You can sing a lullaby or do something else that you wanted to get from your mother, but she could not give. Return to the current state, keeping this feeling of love and warmth.
You need to stop constantly thinking about what your mom doesn't like. Take it for granted and let it go. It is hard and painful to let go of the hurt. But you will have to say goodbye to her in order to open your heart to happiness.
Yes, oddly enough, but the offense takes the form of love, and we ourselves, being offended, call our offense love. But we have already let go of the offense. Now you have to let love in. To do this, you can use this training. Putting your mother's photo in front of you, or just presenting your mother's image. Remember how mom smiles, moves, what her voice is. Mentally go back to childhood and remember rare pleasant moments, mother's delicious pies or how mother is sitting at handicrafts. Try to think of Mom with affection.
It all depends on the circumstances that are in the present. Of course, call mom and right off the bat: "Mom, I know that you do not love me, but let's keep in touch!" - will be rude, stupid and inappropriate. And let's make it a rule to call mom at least once a day and be interested in her well-being, business, her worries? That would really be a good start. Talk about your business, ask for advice or ask your mother's opinion. Make mom feel needed. When love comes from a person, it compensates for the love that the person has received less from the outside.
Of course, the advice is very general and you need to adapt to your story. And, besides, there are very difficult situations when it is impossible to get along with the idea that mom does not love. In this case, the best solution would be to visit a psychologist. It should also be borne in mind that people tend to be wrong. Sometimes behind the "endless empty nagging and eternal control" is a desire to take care of, anxiety for the child and great motherly love.
Tips are more suitable for women.
