Let's take a look at the three components of a strong, lasting love relationship. We analyze how friendship, open relationships, partnerships and other types of relationships are formed.
I like the definition of the psychoanalyst E. Fromm: "Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love." Do you think this is related to the relationship that is manifested by the phrases: “I forbid you to go there”, “Do it for me”, “I will be with you all my life” and others? Of course not. A healthy relationship is a union of two independent individuals who feel good separately, but even better together. And also this is a relationship where there are no empty promises and big words, but there is real support ("It will not be easy, but I am there") and actions ("I made us dinner").
I think that you have already heard a lot about E. Fromm and his theory of love, therefore, instead of delving into this topic, I will move on to the theory of another psychologist - R. Sternberg. If Fromm spoke of love as an art, then Sternberg treated it more like mathematics. Let's take a closer look at everything.
Three components of a love relationship
So, what are these components of love:
- Intimacy and intimacy. This is a kinship of souls, emotional and psychological closeness. This includes a commonality of interests, goals and outlooks on life. And also this desire to open up to a person, entrust him with your secrets and keep his secrets.
- Sexuality and passion. This is the attraction of bodies. In a narrow sense, this is a purely technical coincidence in pastels. In a broad sense, this is a coincidence in the level of libido, sexual preferences and fantasies, beliefs and attitudes in this area of life, emancipation. And, of course, this attraction to looks.
- Choice and responsibility. This is the closeness and unity of individuals, intellectual development. It is this component that helps maintain long-term relationships and develop them. This includes making commitments, the ability to preserve one's own and others' boundaries, resolve conflicts, discuss problems, etc.
A cocktail of three elements is healthy, perfect, true love. And different combinations of these elements give a completely different result. Let's take a closer look.
Combination of components and specificity of relations
Just about why we are friends with some, but fall in love with others or feel sexual attraction to them:
- Where there is only intimacy and closeness, friendship is born. People support, respect and value each other. They enjoy spending time together.
- Where there is only sexuality and passion, there is sex, free relationships. In this case, the person is not interested as a person. It is seen as a tool to meet specific needs.
- Where there is only commitment and responsibility, a routine arises. This happens in a marriage of convenience or at that stage of a relationship when intimacy and passion run away, and only everyday life remains. In such a relationship, betrayal occurs, and each of the participants has neuroses, diseases, and so on.
- Where there is intimacy and passion, romantic, but short-lived feelings arise. That is, we are talking about intrigues, resort romances.
- Where there is intimacy and responsibility, partnership or neighborhood arises. Although, in my opinion, it still looks like friendship (but in Sternberg's theory there is no such thing, it is only about neighborhood, and friendship is based on intimacy).
- Where there is passion and commitment, there is a fairly long-term relationship, but without emotional closeness. Simply put, it is a relationship based on sex. But despite all the closeness in bed, loyalty, material and other support in various matters, people do not become truly close. This kind of relationship is like true love and can last for a long time, but it's still not true love.
Now you can easily understand your feelings, and indeed answer many questions from the field of interpersonal relations.