Divorce in a family with children hurts not only the former spouses. Everyone is involved in this unpleasant process: both grandmothers and grandfathers, and most importantly, children. Only because of their age it is difficult for them to cope with the situation, and in adults it is useless to seek support during this period.
The worst thing when a once prosperous family breaks up is the unknown. It is the fear of the unknown that scares children of any age. In rare families, during a divorce, parents have the courage to talk frankly with their children and explain the situation. Most often, children are presented with a fait accompli. And even worse, when the father leaves the "battlefield" quietly and without saying goodbye. The family, now so small, begins a new life. And the child does not always understand his place in her. If earlier they had a family weekend, now the mother is closed in herself and devotes little time to children. Or, on the contrary, he begins to take care of children with enthusiasm, looking for consolation in them or smoothing out the feeling of guilt in front of them. A child, on the other hand, can only be frightened by such harsh behavior. How does he feel? Fear, uncertainty, despair, anger, and most importantly, guilt.
Can you handle this and forgive your parents? Can. Necessary? It is necessary for the child himself. The child in such a situation needs to understand that he has the right to express his own feelings. He has the right to tell his parents what worries him, even to accuse him of something. But parents should also be frank with him. Of course, this frankness should not be traumatic. There is no need to tell the children that the reason for the divorce is that dad is cruel to mom or he has a different family for a long time. And even more so not to blame each other for all sins in front of children. Find a neutral reason for your breakup.
A child has the right to be angry with his parents. Yes, he considers them his property, but they suddenly made such a serious decision without asking him. He needs a familiar, comfortable world, security guarantees. And this is not selfishness, but a completely understandable reaction to leaving the comfort zone. And if additional changes occur in the family (moving, lower living standards, new school), the reaction can be the most unpredictable. But it is absolutely justified. Why do adults believe that a child does not have the right to express feelings, does not have the right to demand something. Self-isolation, especially in adolescents, can lead to a complete breakdown in intra-family relationships. The child wants to scream, blame the parents for all their failures, has the right. But both mom and dad should give an adequate reaction to such an expression of emotions. Not to frighten, not to threaten, but to understand. It is very difficult, but you have to put yourself in the child's shoes. You are in pain now, but how does he feel? He still does not know how to cope with emotions, does not understand the whole situation.
It is worse when, instead of open manifestations of feelings, the child is immersed in himself. Guilt is often the cause of this condition. Yes, the child considers himself to be guilty that mom and dad no longer live together. Usually, young children aged 5 to 10 years are subject to such experiences. During this period, neuroses, psychosomatic illnesses, and nightmares may appear. Until such children can find ways of emotional relief, they trust their parents, seek their protection and help. And in response they receive: "You are still small!". But precisely because he is small, you need to help him adapt to a new situation. Adults need to learn to behave like adults, and sometimes they behave from the perspective of a child. In a critical, stressful situation, you want a different emotional level, you want to get away from the problem. And parents, unaware of it, shift some of their worries onto the shoulders of the child. But such a burden is beyond his strength. He wants to throw off this negativity, and he chooses a variety of methods. And the emotional "ping-pong" of a child with an adult begins. Only the parents themselves can stop this game, accepting the situation, understanding their own child and ceasing to expect unconditional love from him.
