From time to time think about this, if not all, then very many parents. When our child does not behave as expected, does the wrong thing, reacts in the wrong way, or vice versa, does not do what all other children are already doing at this age, then we have two questions. First, what's wrong with my baby? Second: what did I miss, where did I go wrong as a mother? Let's try to speculate and understand.
Who are these "everyone"?
Let's start with the word "everything." In despair or in anger, we say something like "All children do this!" But objectively speaking, we draw our conclusions based only on the observation of some other children, as well as on general ideas about what a correct child is. Let's just say that there is a large group of children who recite poetry at the age of two, and there is an equally large group that speaks their own “bird” language. Who is more normal and correct if there are approximately equal numbers of children in both groups, and by school the difference between them will be smoothed out to a minimum?
Our sample as a whole boils down to three to five familiar children, about whom we know that, for example, they expressively recite poetry on a stool. At the same time, we forget that we do not see the problems of these children. And I am sure that there are no children without special features. There are only insufficiently attentive parents.
You'll never be good enough
I have two children. They are different and both do not fit into the norms in some way. And what worries me is that even two loving grandmothers do not accept them for who they are. Especially the older one, the preschooler. I often criticize my son, because he seems so big to me compared to the youngest. But after talking with the grandmothers, I understand: my criticism is nothing compared to their opinion, the opinion of representatives of society.
I accept my children as they are and do not look for defects in them. I see their characteristics and inclinations to help where needed. And sometimes I think, if it hurts me from the thought that relatives do not accept children, then how will children feel, especially when they become a little older? Why is our society so intolerant of any, even the smallest, differences?
Comparing with the standard, evaluating and condemning "lagging behind", "not like that" is a favorite pastime of bored citizens. Should we, mothers, follow the lead of these people and adopt their point of view on our own child? I think no.
I think in our time it is we, the parents, who must change the general situation in society. We have to talk about acceptance, the importance of understanding all children, not just "normal" ones. We should directly express our point of view to others: yes, my child is different, but this does not make him worse. Not like that doesn't mean worse.
When we and the child are assessed negatively, we worry. We begin to study articles, tables of norms. We are trying to understand whether everything is in order, whether the child fits into the framework set by society, psychologists, teachers and doctors. Well if that's the case! It calms and proves: everything is fine, I am coping, my baby is growing and developing as it should. What if not?
If the child does not fit into the norms
One day you suddenly see something frightening in your child. A symptom, disturbing behavior, or physical manifestation. What is this - it is not clear, it is scary to ask, because you are afraid of the answer itself. And you can't share your fears with your loved ones, because you know - it won't get any easier, and perhaps it will only get worse. If you have anxious grandmothers, they will go crazy and drive you.
What to do? My main advice is to overcome fear, face situations and try to find an answer. You can find options for answers on the Internet, listing the symptoms that bother you, and a good specialist will help to confirm or deny your fears. According to statistics, most often mothers are frightened by unexpected, “inappropriate” behavior of children, especially older preschoolers and schoolchildren, but few people are looking for a good child psychologist, limiting themselves in the end to only anonymous communication on mothers' forums.
But no matter how scared you are, go to a specialist. Only in this way will you be able to accept the existing situation, stop tormenting yourself with the unknown and finally begin to act, really help your child, as befits a mother.
Like everyone else: to be or not to be
At the moment, as a mother, I am concerned with the following question: what if, in an attempt at any cost to bring the child closer to a certain “standard model of a normal child,” we destroy something in him? What if he loses something important that distinguishes him for the better?
We constantly repeat the phrase "all children are different", but at the same time we want them not to be very different from each other. So that they do everything equally well and behave quietly and modestly.
Categorical non-fit in the frame
Think about yourself in childhood, adolescence, and adolescence. For example, for a very long time I was worried about what people would think of me, how I look. I spent a lot of effort to fit into the team, to be no worse than others, not to do or say stupid things. But all the same, from time to time control over myself weakened and I did something that made me the object of close hostile attention. "What's wrong with me?" - I thought at such moments. Now I know the answer.
As teenagers, then young people, we do our best to keep within certain limits, to successfully join the desired social circle. But for some it is easy, while for others it is much more difficult. I call this "chronic unwrittenness." Your "I", your real personality turns out to be larger and wider than the permissible norms, hence all the incidents that later make you feel ashamed of yourself. We want to be accepted, to be loved and rejoiced in, and therefore it becomes doubly painful if it does not work out.
There is another important aspect of the desire to be "normal", the desire laid down by society, parents and already supported by you - the problem with finding your "I". Once, by the age of 30, an adult asks himself: stop, but where, in all these frames, concern for the image and other tinsel, am I myself? Who am I and what do I really want? Why am I unhappy with what I have? How can I find myself? And people spend time and money and energy in order to collect themselves present, not crushed by the conventional framework of normality. Until it suddenly turns out that your happiness lies in what you loved to do in childhood and adolescence, but you were told that all this is nonsense.
Or look at another picture. There are hundreds of people around you, who were considered normal in childhood, fit well into the framework. Someone also has a gold medal for school success. But how many "normal children" with exemplary behavior and decent grades in their diaries have become successful, intelligent, interesting adults? If, 15 years after leaving school, you meet your classmates, it turns out that after graduation, most of them follow the beaten path.
Often, being normal means being boring and predictable. And for our children, we want them to grow up and live a much more interesting and full life than we do. And sometimes the very desire - to desire more, something different from this everyday life, already takes you and the child beyond the framework of "normalcy".
So what do we do with the “wrong” children?
And now that we have become aware of the main pitfalls of being “like everyone else”, we need to develop a plan for what to do with children who really do not fit into the norms.
1. Accept your child as he is. Regardless of what is with him, what you or the society do not like about him. The difference between mom and society is that society says: “You are not like that. Correct yourself or we will not accept and love you. " Mom says: “I love you just because you are my child. And I can help you become better."
2. There are things that can be changed, such as knowledge and skill gaps. It only takes more time and effort, especially on the part of the parents. After all, you can't just say “stop and get better!” So that the child magically changes himself. No, this is a job for both of you.
And there are things that you cannot change, because it is impossible. I'm talking about physical and mental processes in the body, about diagnoses and syndromes. In this case, you need to find out as much as possible about the diagnosis and methods of adaptation and rehabilitation, how it is treated and what can be done.
3. The boundaries of the norm are very vague. Very many conditions do not have a diagnosis, but they create difficulties for children, while parents do not understand what the problem is. For example, if you read the list of symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome, you can easily catch five to ten of them. What will follow from this? Perhaps you do have it, but perhaps not. This is just an indication that we are all … different! We perceive reality in different ways and react to what is happening.
Someone considers Asperger's syndrome I mentioned to be a highly functional form of autism (scary, right?), But many researchers do not attribute this syndrome to diseases at all - because it may be just a feature of the brain that does not make a person worse, but makes him a little different. And suddenly it can be an advantage if you know your strengths.
The task of the mother of a special child (by the word "special" I mean a person who does not want to fit into the framework set by society) is not to criticize him and not to pressure him, because society will do it for you anyway, do not worry, but track, write down his features and think how to correct it. Softly, with love, through games, creative joint activities, positive motivation.
4. Look for strengths. First, you make a list of your concerns and come up with a correction plan. Then be sure to find out what the child's talents and strengths are. What he loves, knows how, what he is interested in, what makes him happy. Happiness is the main word here.
Harmonious and balanced development looks like this: you tighten up the weaknesses of the child, using his motivation and interests in the strong areas. For example: to improve my son's reading technique, I buy books about cars with stickers. And although he now reads quietly and hesitantly (he is a preschooler, but at school he would have been flooded with remarks already), I do not pester "read louder!" Because the main thing in reading is not speed or expressiveness, but understanding the meaning and memorization. And here we are all right. And if someone does not like the speed and volume, I have something to answer to this person!
Mom is practically the only person in the child who knows him best. Use your strength and knowledge for the good of the child. Spend your resources not on criticism, but on creation. What else are we needed for?
Julia Syrykh.
Designer. Writer. Mother.
Author of the book "Positive Motherhood or How to Raise Children Easily and Effectively"
