In order not to turn life together in a battlefield and personal hell, there are several important truths to learn from the very beginning.
Mutual love and the decision to live together are just the beginning of a relationship test. How not to rock the "family boat", to turn love bonds into strong, reliable and based on a deep connection, which is not afraid of everyday storms?
- Don't try to change the personality of a loved one. It is impossible to change a person, you can only change yourself if you value the relationship. Consider any discomfort as your personal problem, and then it will be clear: you will get along with your loved one, or there is something in his personality that will sooner or later become the reason for separation.
- Don't give a loved one in a relationship what he doesn't need. In relationships, people put themselves, their potential. Give your partner what he really needs. And do not try to "shove" into him what he is not interested in: this concerns not only some material things, but also the information that you intend to share with your chosen one.
- Eliminate any attempts to lead your partner's life from the relationship. Reduce attempts to manipulate your partner to a minimum, if you can't prevent them from being used at all, trying to achieve something from a loved one. Otherwise, you will achieve that life together turns into endless bargaining and constant bargaining. For example, a man will not step on the throat of his own song for a long time, or will turn into a weak-willed slug. A woman tolerates manipulation longer, but the number of petty deceptions on her part in such a relationship will be critical - or she will simply lose interest in the relationship.
- Do not put pressure on the personality of a loved one, achieving some goals. These are your goals, not his. Blackmail, endless conditions, tantrums and claims will alienate from you the one who values you, as soon as the "love ardor" and "the heat of excitement in the blood" pass, and the prospect of being next to you in circumstances from which you cannot get away looms before both of you. It is during such periods of life together that the temptation arises to change circumstances in order to get rid of uncomfortable conditions and annoying claims. This way you can bring the relationship to a break or ties "on our side", where the relationship will be based on mutual respect and trust.
- Be kind in a frank conversation. All conversations about problems - both personal and general - should be conducted in a friendly manner, softly and unobtrusively. Whatever happens, try to put yourself in the shoes of your loved one and communicate the way you would like them to communicate with you. Do not attack, otherwise the partner will go "into a dumb defense", and the conversation will become not constructive. Imagine that you are talking to a colleague or stranger, try to be polite.
- Do not press, do not incriminate! You should not demonstrate that you have "everything under control" or require passwords from personal mail, social media accounts and a list of phone numbers in the mobile of a loved one. Accusations, suspicions, attempts to convict of an unseemly act - all this will put a barrier between you and a loved one, and thus, instead of solving the problem, you will achieve alienation and rejection. By insisting on complete frankness and "accountability" at every step, by "beating" the "truth" out of a person, by driving him into a corner, you are likely to force the person to lie to you. The partner will simply start avoiding you, being secretive and looking for a "soul mate" not at home, but in other places where there is more goodwill.
- Don't humiliate your loved one. Constant ridicule, sarcasm, evil irony, a contemptuous tone, criticism of actions and words, teaching and commenting on the partner's actions will cause rejection in him, and he will respond to humiliation with disrespect. Claims should be made guided by intellect, not emotions. You cannot immediately sculpt labels: lazy, boor, irresponsible, indifferent, or even just call names at random … There should not be such definitions to a loved one. If you are traumatized by an act in your loved one, discuss it with him, but do not extend your dissatisfaction to character or personality.
- Share the blame for conflict or discomfort with your chosen one or chosen one. The desire to please strangers of the opposite sex appears if the partner does not feel loved and desired, and complaints of boredom begin when a person feels a lack of attention. Look at the root of the problem, and do not scold the insufficiently tasty kitchen or the clutter in the house, which may be evidence of depression or an attempt to somehow draw attention to yourself, even if in a negative way. In such situations, as a rule, both are to blame: if you do not give the necessary warmth in the relationship, the soup will be tasteless, and the house will be untidy.
- Do not try to prove that you are right, do not dwell on the wrongness of another. Even if your warnings turned out to be prophetic and the person got into an unpleasant situation - the most stupid phrase that can sound: "I told you …" or "I knew it!" Instead, try to suggest constructive ways out of an unpleasant situation. Become like-minded people - and gratitude will become a reward for wisdom, and the lesson learned will be remembered for a lifetime.
- Do not demonstrate your moral superiority, even if you have won an argument or achieved something by an argument. Do not put pressure on morality, presenting the situation in a contrasting light: you are immoral (immoral) - and I am a saint (saint). To be a moralist in an intimate relationship is to condemn oneself to a conversation with a deaf person. If, instead of being angry, you complain to your partner about him, there will be more sense.
- Do not look to blame for this or that unpleasant situation. Make it clear to a loved one that you love him, despite the mistakes you have made and are ready to help overcome a difficult situation with him. Do not seek to punish your partner for wrongdoing, otherwise the relationship will turn into a dull game of "crime and punishment", and you will have to become a house detective to keep track of your partner. Such "cat and mouse" relationships very soon lead to mutual irritation, hatred and cooling of love. Learn, if not to forgive sincerely, then at least not to harass your soul mate with reproaches. This will guarantee that if you ever slip up, your loved one will not arrange an offensive home "auto-da-fe" for you, and in any situation, even a morally difficult one, you will be able to count on trust, support and help. As it comes back to haunt - and will respond - in love and family relationships, this rule works very well.
- Do not withdraw, and do not allow your partner to withdraw - after an argument, or because of resentment. Chat! Sometimes it is better to break a plate and throw out your pain than to walk "with a stone in your bosom", waiting for an opportunity to throw it at a dear person. Men are especially inclined to withdraw into themselves. Women are more open. Don't be afraid to open up your loving soul to your partner. Love, even after a quarrel, can neither humiliate nor offend anyone. Unless, of course, you begin to demand in return for something that your partner is not ready to give you. Love is not a carrot with which you can bring the situation into an ideal state, in your opinion.
- Don't test your partner's patience! In difficult times, which happen even in the most wonderful and harmonious relationships, try to just be there, even if your loved one’s bad mood makes you want to slam the door and change the environment, finding a more enjoyable activity or company. The argument "let him suffer" will soon stop working, and the partner will become almost indifferent where you go when "bad weather" sets in in the relationship. He may even conclude that you only need it when he "has something to fuck." In other words, he may believe that you are simply using him. In such situations, even passionate relationships can crack at the seams, and other interests will appear on the horizon - work, hobbies, friends and … as often happens - other women (or men), in which your chosen one or darling can see more attentive, affectionate, a reliable and desirable potential couple.
Living together is not only rough sex and rose petals in the bathroom. In love, it is much more important to learn to give than to receive. Do not go over everything that is "not given" to you in a relationship. Selfishness is most often expressed in the expectation of certain actions from the partner, thanks to which "I will be fine with him." Sometimes ask yourself the question: what does your loved one need from an existing relationship, and is it good for your partner next to you?
