Trust between children and their parents is the key to family well-being. In families where there is trust, children see their parents not as restraints of freedom, but as their friends.
A practicing family psychologist is often approached by parents of adolescents who are facing problems such as conflict, loss of control over children, parental disrespect and disobedience, school problems, self-destructive behavior, early sexual intercourse and teenage pregnancies. Understanding all these situations, experts often come to the conclusion that most problems could be easily avoided if adolescents trusted their parents, and those, in turn, were interested in the lives of their children.
For most parents, being interested in a child's life is asking how things are at school, asking grades, checking the readiness of homework, and that's it. But the life of a teenager, due to the age characteristics of the transition period, is far beyond the school. And it is outside the school that most of the problems arise. Therefore, it is extremely important to build trusting relationships with your children.
How to win the trust of children?
The child's trust in his parents is inherent in nature since childhood. Babies trust their mothers and fathers, as they feed him, take care of him, protect and protect him. The task of parents is to maintain this trust. And this is not so easy to do.
Psychologists have developed a number of recommendations to maintain trust or build trust from scratch:
- Listen to your child. Children have hundreds of languages with which they speak about themselves. These are common oral speech, drawings, games, favorite books, music, clothes, activities. All this helps to build a picture of the child's world. Children need attention, but even more, they need their parents to listen to them. And without interrupting, without arguing, without expressing their evaluative opinion. The child needs to be given the opportunity to speak. Then he will understand that his parents respect his thoughts and feelings.
- Learn to understand your child. There is such an exercise in psychology as the "speaker's rod": the one in whose hands he can speak until the interlocutors understand him. At the same time, the interlocutors are prohibited from expressing their opinions while the rod is in the hands of the speaker. This exercise is useful in that it enables each participant to be understood. And this is important for both children and adults.
- Provide an opportunity to participate in family councils. Family councils do not just unite, they make it possible for the child to feel that his opinion matters. And the secret of success is not in discussing problems, but in finding joint ways to solve them. Family members need to understand that advice is not about blaming them for problems and causing them emotional discomfort, but about helping them find solutions.
- Focus on those aspects of behavior that may harm the health of the child or others. Children try on different roles throughout their lives. And that's okay! If your teen is wearing baggy clothes and dyes their hair bright colors, don't worry too much. But if he decided on a tattoo or scarring, then it is already worth discussing this problem at the family council.
- Give more freedom and responsibility. One of the main rules of raising children is not to do for them what they are able to do themselves. By following this rule, parents make their children more independent and responsible. It is also important to assign important things to children as far as possible. For example, making a grocery list, preparing a weekend meal, or taking care of pets.
- Do not be manipulated. Any child from time to time will test their parents for strength, trying to manipulate them. Such favorite techniques as “you don’t understand me”, “you don’t love me”, “why do I owe everyone something all the time?” Will be used. etc. For all attempts to achieve the desired at the expense of the unborn child, it is recommended to answer not a simple "no", but "convince me." Gradually, the child will develop an understanding that what is right should prevail over simple impulses and actions.
- Respect personal space. The more parents control a wayward teenager, the more cunning he becomes. Teenagers whose parents check their bags and personal pages on social networks in order to find "compromising evidence" only learn to hide it more carefully. Then there can be no question of any trust.
- Remember the subtext. When in the evening a teenager calls his parents and says “take me, please, I went over / over with alcohol,” then he trusts his parents 100%. But for some reason, it is this behavior that will cause them anger and a family scandal. Then the next time the child will think that it is better not to say anything. But then the consequences can be much worse.
About the feelings of children and parents
Starting from the very first months of life, the child experiences various feelings: joy, anger, excitement, sadness, sadness, fear. Therefore, in family relationships, it is extremely important to recognize that everyone has a right to their feelings: mom, dad, and child. All family members can get tired, offended, upset, or, conversely, feel a surge of strength, energy and joy. The same event can cause different feelings for everyone.
It is important for all family members to learn not to be afraid to speak openly about their feelings and to respect the feelings of others. What parents think is trivial can be extremely important to their children, and vice versa.
