What are we living for? The classic says that man is born for joy, like a bird for flight. And you have probably heard that every person is the blacksmith of his own happiness. And everywhere they write, they say, "happy mother - happy baby." But how to get out of the vicious circle of negative information exchange and pondering thoughts that sadden and disturb you? Start with a strong desire to be happy and confident that you are made for just that.
I have long been interested in the topic of positive thinking, especially materials and scientific research, operating with facts. There are many experiments showing how a person's productivity and health change depending on what he looks at and what emotions he focuses most on. The experiments of Barbara Fredrickson, a researcher of positive psychology at the University of North Carolina, demonstrate that positive thinking bears fruit, and not only momentary, but quite long-term.
I will not be mistaken if I say that many mothers, communicating with each other on the playground, often send negative information: they complain about their husband, children, their fatigue, and mother-in-law. On the one hand, this is a kind of group therapy: if you speak out, you feel better. On the other hand, if you talk about the same thing every day, but do nothing to change the situation, then therapy does not work. This is an outlet in a cramped cell, but not an outlet. There is no joy in life.
What are we living for? The classic says that man is born for joy, like a bird for flight. And you have probably heard that every person is the blacksmith of his own happiness. And everywhere they write, they say, "happy mother - happy baby." But how to get out of the vicious circle of negative information exchange and pondering thoughts that sadden and disturb you? Start with this: a strong desire to be happy and the certainty that you were made for just that.
Tell yourself: I was made for joy! And repeat at every opportunity so you don't forget.
First step. Teach Your Brain to Think Good
Do you know that many thoughts we think out of habit? Yes Yes. A lot of phrases and ideas lie in our memory and, when the opportunity arises, we get from there, already ready-made. What do you like to say the most? What are your favorite expressions? Could it be that you summarize almost any story with the phrase: "In general, everything is bad!" Try to listen to yourself. To what you say and think. Notice all cliches, sayings and sayings with a negative connotation. Have you noticed? Now do this: fill your memory with new phrases and expressions, with a positive twist. And every time you catch yourself spinning the same obsessive disturbing thought in your head, throw it out of your head with an effort of will. And immediately get out of your memory a previously prepared positive phrase. This will train your brain to switch to work in a new way.
Each mother should make a list of positive phrases and quotes for herself, according to her character and aspirations. It must be something encouraging, motivating.
For example, like this:
I am strong, I can handle it! Everything will be fine! And it will pass. I am a good mother. I have a good child. Everything will be fine. I am a mother and I know what to do. All children are different, but all children are good
I must emphasize: always, whatever you want to change in the child or the way of the family, start with yourself. The first step is to start thinking consciously about yourself and the situation. If your loved ones rarely praise you and give you confidence, praise yourself. Everything you do, every daily activity, is your huge contribution to the family. See what you are doing with a fresh eye, rejoice and praise yourself.
Second step: communication with the child
The second step to positive motherhood, as I call my parenting style, is to notice how you think about your child and what you say to him. In relationships, especially long-term ones, habitual words, thoughts and actions also arise. And it is they, these habits, that prevent everything from changing. Throughout our lives, we carry information on how to talk with children, absorbed, alas, not from books, but from our own childhood and conversations around us. We keep these stereotypical phrases and use them without hesitation. It's time to change them to new, more productive ones.
There is such a mass habit: loudly, for a long time and violently discussing the bad actions of the child, and honoring the good only with a short dry "well done" (even often without looking at the result, without smiling!). And children crave the attention of adults so that they sometimes agree to swearing, just to have more emotions and contact.
Try to diversify the stereotyped "well done" with something more emotional and fresh. It's just that the duty "well done" is an emotional cracker. Maybe you should switch to more nutritious and wholesome food? Create a new "menu": a list of praises that you will use and diversify your reaction (in case impromptu is not given to you).
For example: I'm so proud of you! You did it so well! Wonderful! Awesome! Incredible! You are my assistant! How talented you are!
Diversify your “praise menu” and notice all the successes, especially if you and your child are in a situation where it seems that there is nothing to praise for. And you try and notice. Come up with an activity in which he will definitely succeed and praise sincerely and without stinginess. Noticing and focusing on the good is an important part of positive thinking.
Step three: working with your husband
And the third step: If your husband is not very generous with positive emotions, tell him about positive thinking. Teach your husband to praise both you and the child. Tell him honestly and directly that you and your child lack his positive attention, joyful and sincere reaction. After all, a man does not at all lose his masculinity, showing feelings, but thanks to the fact that the whole family tries to appreciate each other's achievements, sincerely rejoices and thanks, the atmosphere in the house improves.
It so happens that only a woman is responsible for all the emotional “weather in the house”. But this is not entirely correct. In a relationship, everyone should work, and emotionally too. Be honest, talk! Explain that the way you respond is a habit, and that anyone can begin to express more feelings. Just as we teach children polite words, adults need to learn to say more nice words to each other.
What do you get?
The main question is: what will it give you? First, by starting to track your thoughts, you will soon learn to drive away the parasitic thoughts that spoil your mood and replace them with productive thoughts that increase your confidence.
Secondly, you will stop responding to what is happening to you and your child in a stereotyped manner, and will begin to live here and now, respond more vividly and emotionally. You will see for yourself how little you need for joy when you try to notice the good in yourself, your deeds and achievements that you did well, in the child and his actions and achievements.
How can positive thinking change and improve your parenting style? It will make you stronger, more determined and more confident, give you more strength and abilities. A positive mom is certainly better at coping with a child, and not just one, because when you stop thinking about problems, you start solving them. And focusing on finding the good ends up giving more reasons for joy. And there are fewer screams in the house, from which everyone benefits.
While you can't completely change in one day, start small. Start thinking good and seeing good. Stop talking every day about who's gotten worse. Break the template and tell me what is good about you. Praise and thank each other more often.
Bookmark this article and share with your friends in case you feel fatigued. Remember: you can do anything! To begin with, you just need to replace unproductive habits with good ones.
I'd love to hear your comments!
Julia Syrykh.
Designer. Writer. Mum.
Author of the book "Positive Motherhood or How to Raise Children Easily and Effectively"
