How are we used to react to our children's tears? How do we feel? Most often this is confusion, I want to quickly make him shut up, not interfere with anyone and not dishonor his parents.
The most common methods are usually used.
· Stop it now! People are looking at us. Aren `t you ashamed?
If you don't stop right now, you will be left without sweets / go to a corner / will not receive a gift
If you stop crying now, there will be a surprise at home
Oh, look what car is driving / bird is flying
Do these techniques help? They often help. But they help here and now to stop being "dishonored", but in the future they do not work in the best way. They do not allow building a trusting relationship between a child and a parent. And do not allow children to learn to understand their feelings.
HOW CORRECT:
Please note: now we are not talking about hysterics-manipulation. This does not mean that this does not deserve attention to the child, just the actions there will be slightly different.
Now we are talking about a situation where a child reacts painfully to something.
Step one: remember that a child's tears always signal that he is feeling bad. He does not pretend or invent, it really matters to him.
Step two: don't try to stop him from worrying. In another way, you can say, do not forbid him to feel what he is feeling now. Even if it seems to you that the situation is nonsense.
Step three: if you can comfort and calm, then do it. At the very least, give a hug and make it clear that you are there.
Step four: try to get your child to talk. Let him tell you what kind of problem happened to him, what is happening to him, why he is crying. It seems to us that our children are small and stupid, but they quite often surprise us with the depth of their experiences and stories about them. Especially if this is a common thing in the family.
Step five: try to come up with a way out of the situation together. Sometimes not even the solution to the problem itself, but the search for this solution leads to stress relief.
Step six: fix the problem if possible.
Sometimes it can be hard to keep this pattern in mind and follow it every time. But let two facts comfort you: each time it will get easier and easier, over time it will come to automatism. And children who were not banned from feelings, but taught them to recognize and work with them, grow up to be empathetic people who are able to build deep relationships.
