Each person is individual, each pair is unique in its own way. However, the problems that arise in pairs are sometimes similar, since they are caused by the same reasons. Of course, it is impossible to give any limited set of "recipes" for a happy family life or stable relationships. Nevertheless, you can formulate a few simple rules, adhering to which you can prevent the occurrence of many different disagreements between partners, achieve greater mutual understanding and increase relationship satisfaction.
And, before proceeding to the description of these rules, it is necessary to make one clarification. It is unlikely that anyone thought about the fact that in a relationship with a partner we like not so much the partner himself, but how we feel, we feel, being next to him. And the value of relationships is precisely this opportunity to feel the way we want to feel. Therefore, if you want your relationship to be strong, you need to understand how your partner perceives certain of your words, actions or their absence, what feelings he feels, what emotions he experiences, how he feels. In other words, building relationships "starting" exclusively from one's own person (one's own vision of the situation, taking into account only one's needs, desires, etc.), i.e. By building them as if “around yourself” as around a certain center, you will never have a happy relationship, because both partners always stand in the center of such relationships.
Let's look at three basic rules for a strong relationship.
The “vicious circle” rule
Relationships in a couple are made up of many different aspects, which are some separately taken "circles of interaction". When these "circles" are closed each time, the relationship develops harmoniously. In a couple, mutual understanding, warmth, love and passion reign. But if one of the couple does not "close" one of these "circles", then the partner has a ground for resentment, disagreement, conflict. When such "circles do not close" for both, and this happens often, the relationship can give a serious "crack" and even stop. The essence of this rule will become clearer with some illustrative examples.
Imagine a couple in which a girl is constantly faced with all sorts of problems. The man tries to help her, but she either does not accept his help, acting in her own way, or accepts, but does not do exactly as he said, the problem is not solved. She constantly walks upset, unhappy, not in the mood, demanding only sympathy and empathy from him. A man does not close the circle - "to feel able to solve her problem and make her happy." Another option: she accepts his help, the problems are solved, but she does not express her gratitude to him. His circle of “helping and receiving recognition and gratitude from her” is not “closed”. It kind of devalues the importance of his help. He begins to think that she is taking his help for granted. As a result, not feeling moral satisfaction, his desire to help her gradually fades away.
Another example. She invited him to visit for her friend's birthday. He agreed. After that, he begins to express to her how bored and uninteresting he was there. At the same time, she does not feel able to organize interesting leisure activities, to offer an option for spending time together, which brings both pleasant impressions.
The same goes for the couple's sex life. If a man regularly encounters denials of intimacy, he does not “close the circle” - “feel like a desirable man”.
If a man shares his work problems with his woman and does not receive support, advice, empathy from her, he does not “close the circle” of desire “to feel a reliable rear behind his back”. There are a huge number of examples. Try to bring yourself closer to understanding what your partner would really like to receive from you in each situation. Analyze whether you "close" these "circles" or leave them "open", accumulating dissatisfaction in the relationship.
The rule of "maximum saturation of needs"
More simply, this rule can be formulated as follows: give a person everything he wants, and he will never leave you anywhere. Each person has their own needs. And if in a pair he cannot satisfy them for some reason, then his needs will not be lost. The needs will remain. And they will remain dissatisfied. And this circumstance can push a person to look for other ways to satisfy their needs, incl. with other partners. While adhering to this rule, it is important to start by knowing the needs of your partner. It is to find out from him what he would like, what he dreams of, what he needs, and not invent, think out and fantasize about his dreams and desires.
Understanding what your partner wants, you need to decide for yourself: you can and are you ready to give him everything he wants. This applies to absolutely all spheres of life, incl. and intimate. Naturally, you don't have to do what you don't want to. And you have every right not to want something. It's up to you: to step over your unwillingness for the sake of maximizing the satisfaction of your partner's needs or not. No matter how we would like it to be otherwise, everything in life is arranged like this: where the rights and freedoms of one person begin, the rights and freedoms of another often end. The fewer moments in a pair of partners when his rights are squeezed by yours, his freedoms violate your boundaries, his interests contradict yours, and, accordingly, on the contrary, the stronger the couple, the more both feel satisfaction from the relationship.
If you absolutely do not want to satisfy some of your partner's needs, look for alternative ways for him to satisfy them. But never rudely and openly neglect the interests of your significant other.
The rule of "connection with reality"
This rule is neglected by almost everyone. However, most often it is because of the loss of "connection with reality" in a relationship that misunderstanding and mistrust arise. On the one hand, a person's perception and thinking pushes him to “finish building” reality with those fragments that he does not receive while perceiving this reality.
1. You lose your "connection with reality" if you transfer the experience of past relationships, all the negative behavioral manifestations of your former partners, all your fears and resentments, to a new partner. You attribute to him those motives of behavior, those qualities of personality, those thoughts that you encountered in earlier relationships. But do those other former partners have anything to do with the current one? They are they, and he is he. And instead of getting to know the new partner better, to understand him, you begin to "finish building" his portrait with those fragments that you took out of your previous relationship. Such a "completed" portrait can be very different from what the new partner actually represents. And it is this "completed", and not the real portrait, that prevents you from really seeing your partner as he really is. It interferes with building a good relationship with him based on mutual understanding.
Therefore, in order not to lose "connection with reality" in this aspect, get rid of the habit of "inventing" a person for yourself, ascribing to him motives, character traits, intentions and thoughts. Try to get to know him exactly: ask, discuss, find out, clarify.
2. Your partner loses "connection with reality" if you keep silent about your resentment, withdraw into yourself and wait for him to guess. After all, if you are offended and do not say what specifically, the partner, without understanding you, may think that what has become offensive to you, his behavior, you perceive is quite normal. Remaining in this delusion, he will continue to behave in the same way. He doesn’t know that it is unpleasant for you. You didn't tell him about it.
Your partner loses “touch with reality” when you try to hint to him what you want or don’t want, what you expect from him, hoping that he will figure everything out on his own. He may not guess. Or maybe, in his guess, come to a completely different conclusion.
Your partner loses “touch with reality” when, instead of saying something that doesn't really suit you or offend you, you make a complaint about him for a completely different reason. For example, if you are not happy with the fact that your husband was lying on the couch all weekend and did not help with household chores, you begin to complain that he earns little and your family does not have enough money.
Therefore, try to speak openly, calmly and honestly with your partner. Give him the opportunity to have this very "connection with the reality" of your desires and unwillingness, moments that cause you mental pain or hurt.
3. You lose your "connection with reality" when, instead of hearing reproaches, claims, or wishes of your partner, you just listen to him, without delving into the essence of the issue. Instead of understanding and realizing the meaning of what your partner said, you put your own meaning into his words.
To understand a man, it is important for women to take into account that men's thinking is built in a straightforward manner: what he said, he meant it. What is said is exactly what is said. In what has been said, there are no hints, subtext and secret meaning hidden between the lines. Men, however, need to take into account that in what women say, there are almost always hints and subtext. It is precisely this difference in the ways of expressing one's thoughts that provides for the loss of "connection with reality", interpreting the words of a partner. Men do not pick up hints from women, and women look for hints where there are none.
In order not to lose touch with reality”, when listening to a partner, it is important not to interpret his words, not to ascribe his own meaning to words, but to clarify it with the partner himself, asking him additional questions.
