Divorced, but did not leave: this often happens when the former spouses simply have nowhere to live. So that living does not turn into hell for both, it is necessary to resolve the issue in a businesslike manner. Then there is a greater chance that the relationship can become quite bearable.
To be or not to be?
It is difficult to communicate with an ex or ex, stifling resentment, anger, grief from the breakup, longing for missed opportunities. It is unlived emotions that draw us into endless exhausting clarifications of relations with each other, do not allow us to reasonably agree on solving everyday problems, just to live, in the end. If this happens to you: First, acknowledge that emotions, whatever they are, are, you feel them and have a right to them. Fighting them and persuading yourself that you are not at all offended or jealous is ineffective. The relationship cannot end quickly: the separation will have to go through. Sometimes it takes years.
Try to keep the so-called "Diary of feelings", where you will write down the experiences of the day. This will help to get rid of unpleasant states, and at the same time not throw them out on your ex-husband, not provoke conflicts. Immediately after the divorce, agree with the ex-spouse about the minimum communication: only on business, without clarifying the relationship. In a conversation with him, always remember about the conditional "stop" button: pronounce this word if you feel that communication becomes overly emotional and gets out of control.
On the other side of the barricades
It is necessary to establish clear boundaries not only at the psychological, but also at the household level. Ideally, after a divorce, everyone should have their own money, but spending on children is negotiated separately and as transparently as possible. Do not manipulate, but negotiate. Make your own terms, while remembering to listen and hear the other side. In this difficult matter, “I-statements” can help, when each of the former partners speaks about himself, his feelings and desires, and does not pass on to accusing “you-statements”.
Two taboos
1. Children
Try to explain the situation to the children appropriately, according to their age. There is no need to deceive them. And in no case "juggle" the childish desire for mom and dad to be together again. Phrases: "If you behave yourself, maybe we will be together again, as before" are unacceptable. Relationship with your ex is only your business with him. And remember: the calmer the atmosphere in the house, the easier it is for the children.
2. Back to the past
Trying to get back to your old relationship is one of the dangers of living together after a divorce. And the situation becomes painful when the ex-wife or ex-husband is still dreaming of the return of love. If the ex harbors the hope that everything will be as before, and you do not want this, explain to him your feelings immediately, without ambiguous interpretations and without delaying. Too tough? Only at first glance. Only in this way will you relieve him of illusions and suffering in the future.
If you still love yourself, enlist the support of a friend or relative, but only someone who is really ready for difficult conversations, who is able to help through pain and disappointment. It is equally important to learn how to switch attention from relationships to yourself: be sure to look for new meanings and support in life.
