Adoption is an important step in the life of every family. Perhaps even more important than the birth of a blood child. But the topic of adoption is quite intimate, which inevitably gives rise to distorted ideas about it.
Everyone who first thinks about adoption in relation to himself already has certain ideas about this phenomenon. The sources of this information can be completely different. But the specificity of the topic of adoption is its conjugation with a secret carefully guarded by the state and the families themselves. And this inevitably leads to distortion and incompleteness of information. Even official sources sometimes lie … The purpose of this article is to dilute Runet's speculations and fabrications about adoption with truthful information based on personal experience and the experience of my "colleagues".
Myth 1. Orphanages are full of children waiting to be adopted.
Not. It's not like that at all. First, the child must have a certain "legal status". Not all children can be adopted in principle. Further, the circle is further narrowed by the criteria of health. It is extremely rare for relatively healthy children to enter the system. And even those kids who look great on Adopt.ru, most likely, have a long list of diagnoses.
Myth 2. The medical data specified in the child's questionnaire is true.
No, they don't. There is an opportunity to show the child to an independent commission - show it. At least you will know the real state of affairs. Be prepared to treat fungus, worms, scab and other delights of living together with a group of people in the absence of good hygiene. There is little to say to justify systemic institutions. As a rule, children enter institutions not from sterile conditions. And the terms of quarantine for the treatment of, for example, foot fungus are clearly not enough. If the institution still has conditions for quarantine … And the load on each employee, in principle, does not allow paying due attention to each baby. So health is one of the most painful issues in adoption …
Myth 3. The motive for adoption should be the only desire - to make the child happy.
Not. The motive for adoption should be the desire to make yourself happy - the desire to create a complete family, which for some reason you lack for happiness. And only then - to "make happy" the child. In this case, the coloring of your motive is not important - what is important is a responsible approach to your decision.
Myth 4.… and everyone will be happy.
No, no "happiness" will happen to you when you leave the courthouse. Is it a relief that all the legal ups and downs are over. Oddly enough, after adoption, problems are only added. A long and difficult adaptation period awaits you. Spit on the manual that promises completion of adaptation in six months. Few lucky people fit into this minimum period. It will be difficult for you. Even with five blood children and three adopted children, the fourth adopted child will find something to surprise you with. Of course, there will still be happiness. When you yourself learn to be happy.
Myth 5. "And they loved him as a dear …"
Not. Especially if you have blood children. Love is a rare thing. Most likely, you will always treat your child differently than your blood children. But this is different - it does not mean "bad". It's just different. Love may not appear at all. But we do not always love blood relatives, do we? And this does not prevent us from sincerely empathizing and caring for them. So you shouldn't demand the impossible from yourself.
Myth 6. "A year later I became like all children, and you can't say that from the system."
Not. The consequences of being abandoned by your parents last for life. The less the child has been in the system, the earlier the "change" of the family took place - the fewer the consequences. But your child will never become the same as successful family children. True, the number of single-parent families and the collapse of the institution of family relations make this difference less noticeable. But there will be consequences, and you shouldn't forget about it. They can manifest themselves in the most unexpected way to the most ordinary stimuli. And even many years later … And here we come to another dangerous myth …
Myth 7. "Because of bad heredity, he will become an alcoholic, drug addict or some other antisocial personality."
Not. The question of the influence of heredity on social behavior is one of the most controversial in science … Yes, the child inherited temperament and physiological characteristics from dysfunctional parents, including the characteristics of the central nervous system. He will be less curious due to his anxiety, which, of course, will affect development. But he doesn't have to grow up to be an alcoholic. Still, the culture of drinking alcohol is shaped by the environment. As well as many other things … It is difficult to give statistics here. After all, families with a successful outcome, as a rule, do not advertise the fact of adoption to the public.
This article is a very small piece of my discoveries and discoveries of other adoptive parents expressed in personal communication. None of us were told about this in foster schools. But perhaps only partially - about the Sedme myth. And whatever you decide after reading this article, good luck and happiness!
