Five components of respect in the family. What is a healthy relationship from the point of view of psychology.
“- Who are you to forbid me and tell me what to do ?!
- I am your husband / your wife!
- So what?
- And that's all. So, I have the right to prohibit and indicate!"
Sounds familiar? I hope not, because this is an example of an unhealthy relationship that lacks respect.
Each person independently determines the boundary of what is permissible in a relationship and interprets the concept of "respect" in his own way. For example, for someone, insults are unacceptable even in jest ("Are you a fool, or what?"), And someone is ready to endure direct insults, humiliation and beatings. What is considered healthy respect in a relationship from a psychological point of view? Let's take a closer look at the components of respect.
Accepting a person's needs and desires
To share or not to share them, to help in satisfaction or not is another matter. The key is to acknowledge that your partner has personal needs and wants. What does it mean? For example, accept the fact that your partner is not obliged to spend all the time with you, report to you about every step and do only what you both like (even worse - only you). And it also means that you can't call his needs stupid, strange, and so on.
The same goes for accepting a person's interests and tastes. If you have already decided to be with this person, then do not spread rot on him for something that you do not understand or cannot accept. For example, a person likes to collect candy wrappers. How does it bother you? The same applies to any desires, hobbies and hobbies (of course, if they do not go to pathological extremes).
Well, if something infuriates you so much that there is no direct strength, then leave. But do not try to remake and crush someone.
Acceptance of personality traits
Strange, but despite the progress of society and the popularization of psychology, there are still people who are confident that they can remake another. Forget about it at last. Each person has their own advantages and disadvantages. And each person is ready to put up with some shortcomings and categorically does not accept other features. Determine for yourself what you can accept in a person and what not.
I repeat: if your partner enrages you with something, then leave, and do not offend him. Pay special attention to the study of the innate characteristics of a person. For example, it makes no sense to demand from a phlegmatic person bright compliments and joyful squeals about a new dress. And from a melancholic one cannot be required to work quickly, and in general one cannot put pressure on him, to urge him on.
Acceptance of feelings and experiences
We all have different reserves of vital energy, different levels of stress resistance, different value systems and many more mental differences. If a person is worried about something, it means that it is really important for him, even if in your eyes this “something” looks stupid, a trifle. Do not discount the feelings of the other, do not ridicule the feelings, and do not forbid the experience of emotions. This is especially important if you have not only witnessed an emotional reaction, but the person has purposefully shared something with you. Appreciate this.
Acceptance of experience, worldview, beliefs, etc
Even if it seems to you that your partner is wrong about something, do not criticize or insult him. Yes, as in all the cases discussed earlier, you can express your opinion (if you are asked to do so), speak up about the problem, express your concerns, calmly discuss everything, but you cannot do this in a context of disrespect. Avoid being emotional, personal and objective. Even if you are sure that soon your partner will change his mind, grow up, get mad, etc., still stay a little on the sidelines and let him gain personal experience.
Acceptance of choices, plans, goals
This applies to desires, hobbies, work, social circle, appearance and everything else. In general, the topic of choice is my favorite.To the attack “You always like some kind of garbage” or “You always choose some kind of garbage”, I answer like this: “Yes, for example, I chose you / I liked you”. One such answer will be enough to siege your opponent. Of course, someone may flare up at this or be offended, and someone will laugh it off: "That's what I'm talking about." But, one way or another, a person will reflect on his behavior. In general, you do not have to accept every choice or decision, your partner's plan with passion and enthusiasm. If you have reasonable doubts, then you can directly and calmly talk about your experiences, but you cannot criticize and forbid.
Respect for each of these elements constitutes general respect in a relationship. Remember that you have not only a duty (to follow these fundamentals), but also a right (to demand the same respect for you). Some people, suspecting a problem, go into doubts: “What if it seems to me? Suddenly, in fact, I am respected, I just find fault? ". Now you know what healthy respect is, and you yourself can answer the question "Does it seem like it or not?"
You shouldn't be in a relationship where you are not respected. And yes, only those who respect and accept themselves can respect others. Why? Because an integral and self-sufficient person does not need to assert himself against the background of another person. And any devaluation and criticism is always an act of self-affirmation: “I know better,” “I understand more,” “I have seen life,” “I am wiser,” “I am more successful,” and other “I am this, I am,” which are reduced to to the general "I am better than you."