Many parents believe that shame is a good parenting lever that can make a child want to stop doing certain things. In fact, a call to shame can cause irreparable damage to the psyche of a little person.
Why shaming is harmful
Shame is a very powerful and unpleasant emotion. Sometimes it seems that by shaming your child, you can positively influence his behavior. But this is far from the case. Calling for shame is a way of manipulation that causes negative feelings in a child, belittles his personality, forces him to consider himself bad. Shame, of course, greatly traumatizes the little person, because his personal boundaries are violated, something that does not want to be shown to anyone opens out. As a result, the child begins to doubt himself, is afraid to take some action in anticipation of condemnation from the parents, becomes lack of initiative, withdraws into himself.
Psychologists note that children who are constantly ashamed are characterized by such qualities as self-doubt, unwillingness to open up, they are often embarrassed, feel inferior. Such children react very sharply to criticism, as they perceive the mistake as proof of their worthlessness.
In adulthood, such people are characterized by arrogance and bragging - in this way they compensate for the inner feeling of shame. They suffer from loneliness even if they are cared for. For people who were often ashamed in childhood, the presence of bad habits with which they try to suppress an unpleasant feeling within themselves is characteristic, such habits include gambling, shopaholism, overeating, workaholism.
What causes shame
Feelings of shame in a child are not only censured for bad deeds. Comparison with other children triggers this emotion. For example, when they say that another child is doing better or better behaving.
A sense of shame also arises when the child is under total control - when the boundaries of the personality are violated by surveillance, checks, excessive curiosity. Each person, even at a young age, should have their own personal space, their own secrets, free time. Otherwise, a small person begins to feel self-doubt, feels that he himself is not capable of anything.
Internal shame also appears when parents ignore important events for the child, his opinion, his achievements and successes. In this case, the child develops a feeling of absolute insignificance, because even the closest people do not support him.
How to deal with the urge to shame
In order not to inflict psychological trauma on your child, which will accompany him throughout his life, it is necessary to abandon this method of upbringing - shame once and for all. Only assault can be worse than shame.
In fact, the function of conscience appears very early in children, and the child himself knows that he has done a bad deed. First of all, the parent needs to discuss with the child why he committed this action, what consequences this can lead to himself and those around him, what harm it can cause. Such conversations, without reproaching the individual, will help maintain the child's self-esteem, teach him to predict the consequences of his actions.
The more respectful we treat the child, the more constructive dialogue we conduct with him, the easier it is for him to realize what he has done, accept it and correct the situation.
