The process of divorce is very painful, even if you decide to separate by mutual consent. Immediately after the divorce, there is a desire to forget and never see her ex-husband again.
However, a feeling of self-pity, endless internal dialogues with him, children's questions: "When will dad return?" only add fuel to the fire. Psychologists are sure that in order to shorten the period of suffering, turn the page and start a new life, it is important to establish a good, even relationship with your ex-spouse. How to do it?
Why a good relationship is needed
If you still have not "cooled down" after the divorce, you should reduce the degree of your emotions with a portion of cold logical reasoning. Is there a chance that life will no longer push you against this person? Most likely your answer is “No!”. After all, you have common children, mutual friends or you work together … So, you have to communicate. And in order to stop suffering and shudder when you meet, the best thing is not to wage a senseless war, but to maintain good relations as they once were in the past, or rather, to build relationships on new foundations.
Stop blaming
If you feel that the accumulated grievances do not allow you to communicate calmly, try to voice them. Offer to meet on neutral territory and talk: "I want to talk to you, but I don't want to quarrel anymore." Discuss what is painful for you, find out the motives of his actions, the grounds for claims, etc. In order not to turn this conversation into a scandal, you need not to blame, but to talk about your feelings.
Replace aggressive "You-utterances" with confessional "I-constructs." Instead of phrases: "You were so rude when …", "You constantly offended me that …", you need to say: "I was very upset when …", "I want to understand what you expected from me when …" " etc. Having received answers to the questions tormenting you, you will calm down faster.
Tongue behind teeth
Even if you have every reason to accuse your ex of betrayal, do not share them with nosy acquaintances. Answer the questions with streamlined phrases, without mentioning the details: "We did not agree with each other" and period. If you wash dirty linen in public, your words will surely reach the ex and provoke him to retaliate. And then you can forget about good relations.
Store shared memories
To help yourself forgive your ex's grudges, try to focus not on the negative aspects of your breakup, but on the good things that you had at the beginning of your life together, and for what it is worth maintaining the relationship.
New partners are secret
At least for the first time, try not to show up with your new partner where you can meet with your ex. Give yourself and him time to cope with the new circumstances and get used to the idea that you are no longer a couple.
